What a week it has been

I woke up this morning wondering how it could only be Thursday. Geesh it has been a long week already.

I stepped off the plane back into the whirlwind of responsibility that I live in, and it just hasn't stopped. Monday was total chaos at work. $5k in catering that had to be prepped and out the door by 5 p.m. Tuesday was no different, except it was truck service for 3000 people at a local hospital. Yesterday I had a bit of a reprieve, but that is when the family dynamic really fucked me.

For those of you following along about my mom, post stroke, you would know that I have spent my summer working and there haven't been too many updates. I have done what I could, but work is work. For the almost 9 months after her stroke, I was really the only person in my family putting any effort towards her, so when I went to work, people were going to have to step up. No one really did. And because of that, she hasn't made any new progress. BUT she hasn't slipped either. Her cognitive abilities have gotten better. Mentally, she is the clearest she has been, despite all of her alone time.

My uncle sent me a text at 8:20 last night that he is coming into town today and tomorrow to shop assisted living facilities. I SNAPPED. I was actually sitting at my mom's neighbors when the text came in, because I had been at my mom's house. He suggested that I free up the days he will be here so we can have a family sit down about this.

I can't just change my work schedule overnight like that. He is ridiculous. This is all ridiculous actually. I am going to have to make some game time decisions in life, that I don't want to make, and that I don't have time to make properly. I just don't want her in a facility.

I called my dad for some counsel when I got home. I said "dad, explain to me why this upsets me so when I never even cared I had a mother before all of this". I know that sounds horrible, but it is true. I wasn't her daughter. I was a person she occasionally interacted with over the years when my sister wasn't next to her. My dad says "because you know it's the right thing to do". It may be the right thing to do, but I don't know that I can make that commitment with my work. I can't find that balance. Having 4 months of the year free does not help this situation.

So...you might catch me online this morning, before work, putting away all the vacay laundry, and tomorrow in the office for G rated Jenni - Smile at me. I know it isn't this bad. It just feels heavy.