What's happening?
Another week of work, work, and more work. And so it goes...
I had an interesting thing come up last week. I got offered some winter work down south. I was and am still too busy to really think about that, but I did think about it a little.
I asked my boss if I could work from the Sunshine State this winter...since I have already proven I can do my job here, there. He said yes. I came home that night, started looking for rentals. Got a little lost in all of it. I mean, why would I not do this? I asked. It is almost like a perfect storm. I keep getting paid here. Work for some good friends there. Not have to deal with seasonal depression in the winter here. Win. Win. and Win again!
And since I had to resign my lease for 18 fucking months, I have my house money to spend on being a snowbird. I'm o.k. with that. Except...
What about Taco Tom? I think he and I need to have a chat about this. The first time I did this, I had just met him. He had something to say about it, at the time, and I shot him down, saying he didn't get an opinion. I don't really think he does now either, but I def think we cannot sustain another 4 months of me away, and I don't really want to. Last week with him was trying, but we have talked about it and I think we are o.k. When I say i don't want to...I mean...we need to dissolve 100% if I do this. I was talking to my therapist about this today, how nothing changes with him really. Not in 3+ years. Some of that is because I have designed myself a life that is very much mine. When I have these opportunities, I have earned them. On some level, it is what I have always worked for. Autonomy. Freedom to live/work/exist as I please.
I very much live with the idea that I am lucky to wake up every morning. I don't take life for granted really. But this year, the 45, it's getting me to feel a type of way about life and how much of it is left. There is really something about watching the sun set over the gulf. It just sets my mind right. It makes me grateful to be alive. Sometimes here, I just feel like I am existing.
When I was gone the first time, and Taco Tom and I were keeping in touch, I thanked him for letting me a be a rolling stone. I have always been like that. Never at home here. Always wanting to be on the move. Never really wanting roots. He made me want roots. But every "plan" I have had to make that happen in the last 3 years hasn't panned out. Especially in the last year.
We are coming up on a year since my mom had her stroke. 9 solid months I was committed to that situation. Every day, every night. Everyone knew when the season started here that would have to cease. I am now only over there 1-2/week. My mother is lightyears betters, but still needs daily help that we pay a caregiver to accomplish (when they show up). I make sure her needs are met. My sister is still MIA. My aunt and uncle have disappeared. But my mom understands.
I don't know what to say about considering going south for the winter, other than, I don't want her life to transfer to mine. It is depressing. Mostly because she has accepted this quality of life, and I don't think I have for her, but I can't make her do more. Because of that...it is her choice to be complacent with this. I have done all I can do. She has 2 siblings, 2 daughters, and 7 grandchildren. Eleven people who could step up, none of which who do.
The other choice I see in front of me is that I stay here for the winter, and I am back to the everyday parental care, and I am going to be honest, and probably unpopular, I can't do that again. It almost destroyed me emotionally. Per the norm, work has saved me. Work is always there for me. Work never disappoints me or lets me down.
In other news: I need a home break. My son being here is...different. I am thinking I can take May 30th off of work, and if I can, I am going to rent a hotel room and staycation/stream it up for the night. hotels.com giftcards are totes welcome to contribute to that >> jennibean6996@yahoo.com. I have $200 budgeded for that, so anything extra in a gift card (s) will go towards a room/hotel upgrade, or maybe even a 2nd night. Also, Hotels.com gift card or Airbnb giftcards once I decide on the Florida situation would be amazeballs. TBC on that.
Oh! And also, June 14th-June 24th, I'm baaaaack bitches! My son is housesitting for my cousin while she goes on her honeymoon. Cross your fingers that she actually goes through with the wedding. It is looking about 50/50 at this point.
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