Not my week

But I kept it pushing.

Monday, I was off of work and that was o.k.

Tuesday, I worked like a dog, then forced myself to leave to visit with my mother. I took her outside and sat on her deck for 3 hours. I probably needed to do that.

Wednesday, I had a driver with COVID. FML. I spent up until last night in full recon over that. Lots of catering deliveries went out today and it took me until 11 p.m. last night to sort that out, cause you know, employees are scarce right now, and the ones I have have been working their tails off for me.

I also took my employees to a minor league ball game in the suite that night. I really could have used a nap instead.

Thursday and Friday were a total blur of catering prep/deliveries and favors. The highlight was Friday, doing a big event that I normally do for a large, local, non profit. Except, I didn't have any staff so I took the truck by myself. I still taste that regret. The marketing director for the event said to me "you're the best", and I said "no, your the best", and he said "no, we really aren't" (which made me pause), and I said "well, don't let me fool you, I'm hanging on by a thread here", and we went about lunch service and it was great, and busy, and everything I love about it. Until I got back to basecamp and worked until 11 p.m. Stressing THE WHOLE TIME because my cousin got married today.

I was streaming on CB when she called me and told me that she was getting hitched. I remember just being in kind of a state during that call, and after, during the stream. I am beyond happy for her, but if I am being honest, she was my life plan. She was who I planned on kicking it with in our 70's on a porch somewhere. Now I am forever a 3rd wheel. The bright side is, her husband is willing to keep me. When we were taking pictures today, he made sure to tell me that "we'll take you everywhere with us". I appreciate that. Then I also feel kind of sullen about it. Even he knows...I will always be Jenni, party of 1. I have such a love hate relationship with that, mostly love, if I am being honest. My greatest fear isn't being alone in this life, it is dying and not being found for days in my home. My kids make a good point of calling daily, because they know that is what I think about. I don't require that kind of communication with people. I can go months without talking to someone I care a great deal about, but they know...I worry about the end like that.

But today, I made it through most of the week. I have refused to open my work laptop all day. I have a fuck ton of work to do tomorrow, but I am o.k. with that. I still haven't finished the work schedule for the upcoming week, cause I am fuckity, fuck, fucked. I have a big festival coming up this weekend and I anticipate just getting throttled, and the days before too with catering. I also anticipate streaming from the metal box on Friday and Saturday morning a bit. We shall soon. The best plans seemed to get ruined. This was just not my week.