Story time:
When my children's father and I split up, it was not great. Not great, would even be generous. We actually had supreme court briefs written about our case because it was so contentious. Our case set precedents for future custody cases. I could write a few books on that, but I won't, because that isn't really the point of this, but that gives this context.
For years, my attorney, and his attorney tried to find resolution for us. My attorney asked me one day why I didn't just give him the kids, because he was never going to let me go. He wasn't going to let them go. I said " because I never want my kids to think it's o.k. to treat someone the way that my kid's dad treated us". I didn't want him to get away with the lies. I didn't want my kids to grow up and replicate that behavior because they never saw consequences. I wanted to break the cycle. I also told her that I wanted to be able to sleep at night. I wanted to know that I could rest my head on my pillow and know that I did all I could, without regret. I wanted my kids to know that I would do whatever I had to do financially to not have to give up, what I felt was morally right. I never wanted them to think money was more important than them. I didn't have my lawyer paid off until last year, and our case was settled in 2015.
The point to this: I want to be able to lay my head on my pillow at night and be o.k. with the actions and decisions of each day. I masturbated a little this morning for tokens. I'm o.k. with that. I made family dinner for my aunt and uncle who are graciously suspending their lives to help with my mother's care. I'm o.k. with that. I listened to my aunt tell me tonight that my sister was supposed to show up today and go over all the info she gathered before she dumped the POA on any person, but my sister didn't call or show up. I am not o.k. with that. I listened to her tell me that they have yet to see a bank statement or any account information of my mother's since they have been here. I am not o.k. with that.
I will lay my head on my pillow tonight, and I will lose sleep over the actions or inactions of someone else. My cunt troll sister. You don't have to have some excruciating situation in life to force you into making kind, rational, decisions. I replay in my head the disgusting actions on my sister in the last 6 months and I just get so confused about how hard it is to be a decent human being. Seriously. How fucking hard is it, to be a decent person? Am I just super lucky that I have been around a lot of indecent people? So lucky. The flip side to this is that I also have a circle of people in my life who are so kind and good. Makes it even harder for me to understand how fucking hard it is to be a decent human.
I live by the idea that you do your best in everything you do. Not just the things that tickle your fancy. I don't love being a caregiver to my mother, but I do my fucking best every day. I absolutely hate driving that food truck, but I am one of the best operators in the area. I need to know that I have done my best. I need to know that my actions haven't harmed anyone. I need to know that the people I care for, are cared for.
Kindness is free - it doesn't hurt anyone. Can we all just wake up tomorrow and make a silent vow to ourselves to be a little better? Smile at a stranger. Tell someone you appreciate them. Don't do it for someone else, do it for yourself. I promise it will make you feel good inside. Cause I don't know what the fuck people feel inside that go out of their way to make things difficult for themselves and others. Even if it gives them a temporary high, it won't last. Karma will come eventually. I like good karma myself.
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