Anxiety

Tomorrow starts a very long week. After an already very long week. There might be nothing more that I want today, than to just hang out online and be naked and free with you guys. That isn't going to happen.

I started looking this week for a new ending to this year. I want to hang out all summer by the pool and do things with my kids, friends, and family. I do not want want to be a food trucker anymore. I actually looked online for a different job. I haven't done that in I don't know how long. Was there a catalyst to this? Yes. Is it important? Not here.

There is not enough money in the world for the trucks to be a happy place for me anymore. I wake up each day, and my first thought is, when will this be over. Obviously this is my choice. It is a choice to keep doing it every day. This year is just harder. Success has it's challenges. So does life. I have put myself 2nd my whole life. After the last 6 months with medical issues, I am over that. I don't want to work like this anymore. I never cared before. It never bothered me before. It bothers me now.

Every day this week, I was in my office, saying to myself, "I can't breathe". A girl who works for me says "Jenn, you know that is anxiety right?". It never even occurred to me. I am typing this now, knowing that I need to be at work right now, but I'm not. I am sitting in my recliner, looking at the deck window, the rain coming down wishing I could create time. Instead of it just slipping away.

I have 18 truck bookings over 5 days. I will be working 69 hours in those 5 days, and then more the other two. I opted to sleep in today and only go in for the truck spot. No one is coming to save me. No one can save me from myself. I know these things. I control these things. I am about to change the narrative, but I do need to get through this week first. Because it is NURSES WEEK and I love me some nurses, and I have committed to be these places, so I will be.

What you guys can do:

remind me to eat. Hahaha. It's so real.

remind me to sleep. Also very real.

Doubtful you will see me online before Mother's Day, but if you do...be kind.