I was feeling heavy in my thoughts tonight, the stuff with my son, the stuff with the doctors, life in general...
And I stumbled on some memories that made me smile. Circa 2009, I was doing this fashion show for a friend of mine at a bar. She was a fashion construction major. She made clothes out of non-traditional materials. One of the outfits was a schoolgirl outfit, and I had gone to the bathroom to put it on when the bartender caught my eye. I knew the moment I saw him that I was going to fuck him. And i did. Twice that night. Once in the walk-in cooler, bent over a beer keg, and the other time in the women's restroom. He was a good time.
For 7-8 years he was a good time. We intersected in and out of our own situations but were never too far apart from each other. I remember him calling me one night, after I had a long day in the truck to fuck. I said, "I am really dirty right now, but if I can take a shower first, i will absolutely be over". When I got to his place, he had a bubble bath run for me. Then he asked me when the last time I had sex was, and as it happened, it was that morning before work. I never lied to him. We didn't have to do those things. I told him "This morning", and he said, "do I have anything to worry about", and I said no, and he fucked me silly. I'm pretty sure that night was the night he made me see colors when I came. It was Ah Mazing. I had never experienced that nor have I since. Literally a rainbow in front of my eyes as I came.
I trusted him. I trusted him in a way that was so free. I was never afraid of him. Or afraid to be with him. He would have fought with or for me, but never against me. He was an addict. Which was why we were never more than what we were. It was why there was never any weirdness as he floated in an out of relationships with other women. I didn't want that in my life every day. He was a great friend and confidant. He was loyal. He was a good person. He had demons.
He is the only person I have ever had in my life who had a substance problem (beyond my own family that is). I remember one night, my kids were with their dad, and he had come over and he started doing lines on my kitchen table. I flipped. I told him he could never come into my house and do that shit again. And he never did. He would do it in his car before he walked in.
I think we really enabled each other's bad traits more than we were ever good for each other, because we never judged the other. He could do all of his drugs, and I could fuck someone for breakfast, and I could still end up with him fucking me at night. He enabled me to not be close with other people, because he and I were close. I let him fuck himself up, because it never came back to touch me. It was all wrong, but in the most intimate way.
I was thinking of him tonight. We stopped talking after his 4th OMVI. He wanted me to help him out of that jam, and I refused. I don't think there was any type of feeling about it when he was sober, but when he wasn't, it was a blame game of why won't you help me.
A few years after that, 2019, I was working a music festival. All of my employees were with me in this booth, and he appeared. He made the biggest deal telling the person he was with that I was like the queen of food trucking. He said so many nice things about me. Things I know he meant. But he also told me that he was sober, as he had a 22 ounce beer in his hand. When he walked away, one of my drivers said, "what was that about", and I said, 'It's a long story". And here we are tonight. 2023. I haven't seen or heard from him since.
I sent him a message on facebook before I started this blog post. It's late. I don't know if I will hear back from him. I just think, I need his type of friendship right now. I don't usually go backwards on people. Once we are estranged, we are estranged. This is different though. He has had stretches of time where he could be outside the clutches of addiction, but not ever for too long. I hope he has seen better days since I have been out of his life. I think I just need to understand it. And I think I probably need to apologize to him for never wanting to be around him long enough for it to touch me. As a human, he was worth more to me than that.
To sprinkle a smile into this sappy sap, he was the BEST sex. So much fun. When he was fucked up he loved to wear women's panties and get pegged. I'm not usually into that, but it was fun with him. He could pick me up and just bounce me on his dick (I used to be pretty tiny), up against the wall. The seeing colors when I came though, that was crazy.
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