30 more days. It's whatever. I'll be honest, I was fairly angry at first, but I simmered down and realized it is for the greater good. Healing is important. I also understand that I am probably partially to blame. I did not adhere to all of the restrictions. I did the big ones, but not the little ones. The random shit that I was told that I wasn't allowed to do today, that wasn't on the original list, I think was really the doctor just hammering the nail in, because he thinks maybe I might be a little stupid and he wanted too extra dumb it down for me. Yes doctor. Message received. So, I have another 30 days.
To get extra real in this post, as seems to be the trend lately, this was not even the worst of my day. My 23-year-old son has been having some mental health struggles lately. He has chosen to drown out those issues with alcohol which has NOT helped. I have basically been supervising him for the last few weeks, with zero luck. At 5 a.m. this morning was 30 beers in, and thought he was getting ready to go to work. Good thing he works for my dad, because work was not in the cards. He will stay with me for a few days and clean up, then I will take him back home, and he just can't stop himself, and it just keeps repeating. This mama is tired. And lucky that it isn't truck season, and I have the time to leave work and be around for him.
Today's world has so many challenges for young people. I have friends with little kids, and I always say, I do not wish to be them. My kids are grown. I wouldn't know how to raise a small child in the world we live in today. Irony? I am not sure I know how to "help" my grown kids navigate in today's world.
My younger son follows this brand on instagram called "The happiness project". Their products say, "it's o.k. to not be o.k.". I say to my son, you wear these clothes, you talk the talk, but you don't walk the walk. Where does this apply for your brother? It has its challenges. I know. How about we don't normalize that line, as just that line though? How about we teach out young people to find solutions to not being o.k., vs. just throwing on a t'shirt and expecting everyone to give them grace when they aren't doing anything to change why they aren't o.k. It's like the expectation is that all of these young people can just sit in their shit and the rest of us with a little more life under our belt just have to watch. I'm not really a watcher. I am the daughter of a Marine. I am a doer. My children have always been doers. This is a hard one for me. I want to tell him what my dad always told me. Suck it up. But that doesn't be seeming to work, and it is possibly insensitive.
If you have been in my room for any length of time you know that I don't drink or do drugs. I have said, I am not a 12 stepper. I made a conscience choice years ago to take alcohol out of my life. I was one of those people who always drank to get drunk. It was never to enjoy a nice cocktail with dinner or have 1 beer at a friend's house. It was always to get wasted. I know how these things can happen. I probably went to work drunk many times. I def drove when I shouldn't have. I was lucky I never hurt myself or someone else. My kids are 19 and 23, and neither of them have ever seen me take a single drink in front of them. Even when I drank, I didn't drink in front of them. I grew up in family of card-carrying alcoholics. I saw some gnarly things as a child. I was handed drinks by my family well before the legal age. I chose to not repeat that with my kids because some of the memories are not pleasant. I thought by doing that I could break that cycle for my own kids. Jokes on me! My son needs help. Help I don't know how to provide. So, if I'm quiet, this is why. Much harder than my mother having a stroke. Much, much harder. Especially when he can't seem to stop himself.
Do you want to know what I do when things seem really heavy? I try to do good things. Tonight's good thing was going to the local ronald mcdonald house's amazon wishlist and purchasing several needed items off the list. I do not necessarily believe that good deeds are rewarded or should be, but I do believe that putting positive things into the universe is important. It reminds me that I am fortunate to be able to afford to do it, and I hope when the items get delivered that it will make someone's day. Everyone wins with acts of kindness, even on days where it might seem like everyone hasn't won. So I am going to try to keep the positivity train moving, and I encourage all of you to do the same. It is o.k. not to be o.k., but it not o.k. to become complacent in it.
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