I just try to not have hate and anger in my heart. It isn't that hard if you surround yourself around the right people. The universe isn't that simple though. The universe wants to test you. I have been tested. Today was a very test Jenni day.
I will always wonder why people need to live in deceit. Why people will talk in code and walk around the truth. Don't people realize that truth isn't meant to be feared? It is meant to set you free. Lies and deceit only keep you down. Weighted down.
I can promise that tonight, my uncle's deceit has made him afraid. The truth would not have ended in a full-blown episode on my part. I called my dad when I left my mom's house tonight. My dad is a very temperamental man. His episodes have even been affectionately called a "Dave level episode". My cousin always used to ask me how we weren't afraid of him. My cousin in 47 and still afraid of him. As children, we were just used to it. He didn't beat us. He would just go off on these little episodes. I think we were all sure he would have had a stroke at 35. As an adult, I now see that he really only did it, when it was really required. I say to him "dad, I don't want you to take this personally when I say this, but I had a Dave level episode tonight". He laughed. I said, "dad, I only do it when I know I am right to be mad, when someone needs to be talked too that way". I say, " I am just too much like you".
That has really been the problem in all of this. I am too much like my dad. Loyal to a fault for my family. Brutally honest, particularly when people don't want to hear it. I am generally a real cunt about right and wrong. And mostly, I will fuck you up if you fuck me. And lying...is fucking me in my book. If your own family doesn't have even respect to be honest with you, especially regarding major decisions with my mother, you won't be able to stop the degree of my rage. My mom and dad were very different people with two things in common. Me and my sister. But they didn't really have us in common. My mom had my sister. My dad had me. For the most part, this was how our life went. My sister is very much like my mom. I am very much like my dad. My mom hated my dad. But...the real irony in all of this...now that characteristic in me, is probably what my mom appreciates most. I will not back down from a fight. I am not afraid of confrontation. I have no guilt about any of it. There is right. There is wrong. I just don't want the hate in my heart though. I have eaten a whole bottle of tums since the "episode". My heart hurts. In every way a heart can hurt. I am sure I don't require medical attention, lol, but anxiety sure feels real. I know it isn't.
If I could take my mom in and say fuck the rest of them, I 1000% would. Anything would be better than the current family dynamic for her. There is one thing that stops me. And my mom knows it. I cannot buy a house and move her in, for my sister and family to come and go as they please. I can't open my space up like that. I don't have any relationship with 90% of my family, and there is a reason for it. Letting that toxicity into my day-to-day life would not be a healthy situation for me. Although that sounds selfish, I justify that with the line "you can't care for someone, without caring for the caregiver first". I can't have those other people in my life.
And then we can't forget...the surgery, and my own physical health. It's a shitshow up in here.
I didn't stream at all today and that really bums me out. I would have surpassed my monthly goal for CB today, with 1 day to spare. It is what it is. I can't always be an overachiever, I guess. The bright side should be that we had 4 naked streams last week and that is more than we have had in a while. I will totally be online, probably twice tomorrow to get to the base goal. Once in the office and once at home later. I think I am going to stay home from work this week, after tomorrow, so we shall see what else happens this week, and we can start November strong!
I appreciate the fuck out of you guys. Getting online from home, for a G rated stream, when I am in a shitty room seems pointless and not fair to you guys. I'll be better tomorrow. See ya early in the office!
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