This is a line I use often. When people ask me who I am going to dinner with, vacation with, have drinks with. I don't know about you, but I am A. O. K. with my level of independence. If you haven't done these things by yourself, I encourage you to try it. When I would travel for work, eating every meal by yourself becomes a little much, but for the most part, 10/10, would recommend.
Until...
You are having chest pains on a Saturday night, and you wonder how long it would take someone to realized you're dead. This is a thought I have often, that I haven't come up with a solution for. Can anyone relate? The problem with being super independent is that people don't check on you, because they know you can take care of yourself.
This happened to me in 2020. I was at home, and I really thought it was the end. I had extra high blood pressure that I wasn't treating, it was late, my chest started to hurt, my arm, my jaw. I even went downstairs and unlocked my door in the off chance that I would feel inclined to call a squad. My locks are pretty sturdy, and I didn't want my door to get broken down. Ha. Always thinking. What I wasn't thinking was...I should call someone in my life and express this concern. I made it through the night, and I went to the dr the next day. My doctor hates me. I am an awful patient. He did an EKG and I started riding the HBP medication train. But I asked him, because I am prideful and full of independence, and I never want to burden someone, how do you know you should call the squad. He just says, "you'll know". I am pretty sure I would end up waiting too long overthinking if I "know".
Thats the thing about lessons. You never really learn them, cause here I was, again, last night, thinking my number was up. Never called a soul or a squad. I sure did spend a lot of time wondering how long it would take for someone to find me dead though. How morbid right? Wouldn't it just be easier to call a squad? Except I know I am a bit of a hypochondriac. And I don't want to waste time or resources that are needed elsewhere.
What about the rest of you guys?. Single guys, live alone, my age and up. I can't be the only one who has this concern.
When I used to slut it up on adultfriendfinder, I had a friend I would call before I would meet someone. Do I need to do that? It isn't the same thing. Calling someone because I think I am having a health emergency feels needy. I am not needy. Calling someone before I hook up with a stranger is smart. Totally different scenario.
Maybe I think of all of this more since my mother's stroke. If she had been home alone when that happened, she may not have survived and her path to rehabilitation could be far more work than it already has been. All in all, everything is preventable, and I do try to prevent, but what if?
I did ask my closest people, after the first time this happened "Who would miss me first?". I think at that time, it was decided it would be my primary truck driver. I pretty much talk to him daily because of the food truck and he would be concerned if he couldn't get ahold of me, moreso than someone else, because everyone knows...I don't answer my phone when I am on the truck. Everyone else would just think I am working a stretch of days. He would def think I was dead if he couldn't talk to me every day. Even my kids were like...ehhh...we wouldn't worry for at least 2-3 days. This is the life of Jenni. I do what I want, when I want, and I just don't check in with people like I should. For them or for me. Maybe I should change that. I think we are all the same though. Fiercely independent and in our own minds, we are always o.k.
And then I woke up this morning. I felt really fucking good. Of course, I had to sit in the shower with hot water dripping over myself for a long time before I could calm down and go to sleep. I seem to have developed some anxiety in the last 5-6 years that I never had before. I think I do these things to myself. This is def NOT the Jenni that you see streaming. It doesn't happen often. I really have no idea what triggers it. I just know I end up down a rabbit hole of physical ailments that make me think I am having a medical emergency. I only think this because I felt 100% this morning and I can't imagine not having some residual ailment this morning. So, the Jenni you watched cum this morning...she's just fine. Apparently so is last night's Jenni too. No shame in admitting any of this.
Thank you for being the distraction I need so many days. I have a lot on my plate these days and some days things are spinning so fast around me that I feel like I am suffocating. That is never the case when I am streaming. xo Jenni
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