Decisions, decisions.

Today was a particularly hard day, for no particular reason.

Or maybe there are reasons. Tomorrow night we will finally be having a service for my stepmother. My dad hasn't been able to get ahead of the grief.

But before that happens, I want to do my morning stream. Then I have to see my mother, then I have to make several side dishes that I haven't planned for at all, then I have to get to my dad's and that is where it will get really interesting.

I like to think I am a good person. Tomorrow will be a test of that. My sister will be there, and honestly, I might be willing to catch a charge just to slam her head into some concrete. See. Not great person. I have my reasons. This is just such a tricky time, right? My mom needs care, my dad needs care. The difference is that my dad is capable of caring for himself, my mom isn't 100% able to do that. He knows I am killing myself to try to make sure she is o.k. and has the nerve to tell me "your sister was nice enough to spend her day over here, helping me clean up". Insert <slam them both into concrete>. He is a grown ass man and is certainly capable of dusting and vacuuming. I think he just knows, my sister won't go see my mom anyway, so what does it matter. But it does matter. It matters.

If I can make it through the night and not lay hands on her, it might be a miracle. I am sure that sounds dramatic. It isn't. Someone needs to toss her around. I have 9 nieces and nephews that will be there, in addition to my own kids, and I need to lead by a good example, not a hateful one. That isn't what my stepmother would want. My cousin will be there, and between her and my kids, if it isn't me, it might be one of them. Equally not good behavior, but it would be better than me. I think I can stay in my corner, as long as she stays in hers. And she will, because she needs people to see the facebook version of her. We could not be more different people.

I think sometimes my best asset is also my worst asset. I am not afraid of confrontation. I am choosey about it though. I am actually surprised that my dad hasn't warned me to behave. He still has time. He knows the tea kettle is overdue on the whistling. He also knows I wouldn't do that in this moment. I'm worried about it though.

Other things: I am considering not streaming during my post-surgery time. I think I just want to rest. TBC on that. Maybe I am just overtired today. Yeah. Probably just overtired.

Also, someone asked in my stream today when the last day to get a holiday card/polaroid is. Good question. The answer is December 13th. 2 days before my surgery. You can offline tip 399 with my name and mailing addy if you still want to get yours.

I didn't finish the holiday content over the weekend as planned. Shooting for Wednesday now. Cross your fingers on that, cause you want to see that.