Bah humbug - Ish

As we approach the holiday kick-off, I am feeling a little bah humbug - ish. It's kind of normal really. The holidays are not really my jam. Halloween is. All the rest, not so much. I don't get into the gift giving element of it too much.

If you didn't know, but some of you do, my older son was born on Christmas Day. I don't know if I loved Christmas before that or not, but 23 years ago, it evaporated. I really always tried to make it more about his birthday.

Generally speaking, I think my joy of the season died with my grandparents. I had the BEST grandparents. I was lucky to have all 4 of them and even 1 great grandparent. No one really took over the hierarchy that my grandmother had to keep our family together.

This year, chaos in the family might be better or worse than ever. I just don't know. I know it is different because my parents are both in new, unique situations this year. My mom, still struggling from her stroke last year, and my dad, suffering the loss of my stepmother. And all of us, struggling with those things. Last week, I felt pretty hateful, like there was too much negativity around me, so I adopted a family for Christmas. When I went out for my son's covid test on Sunday, I finished the shopping for them. When I was in the check out, I thought, I should adopt another. I have paused on that for a minute. I came from very humble beginnings. Christmas was $25 or less in our house. We had a black and white t.v., that you had to change the channel with needle nose pliers.

I am very lucky to be able to support myself, my kids, my mom and dad as needed. I don't like to get caught up in the materialism that is Christmas. I can remember Christmas being more meaningful. Less about the gifts and more about the memories. It is why I hunted and hunted for a ceramic Christmas tree this year and overpaid for it. I overpaid for the memories it brought back. No regrets on that.

I try to find ways to balance the shit show that is my life. I know how fortunate I am, so when I get hateful or angry, my default is to try to find a way to make something better for someone else. I anticipate spending the next 30 days continuing to do that, because unfortunately, the holidays make me feel a little bah humbug-ish. Don't mind me. It will pass.